Law and Order

By Lawrence Miles

I used to live underneath an insomniac
Who would stay up
Watching the nightly Law and Order marathon
While I tried in vain to sleep off
Broken hearts and delirium tremens
Always hearing the muffled dialouge
And the thunk thunk of the piano
Forcing open my eyes
Making me thrash about
Until sleep finally reached a verdict

Sometimes I would lie awake
Waiting for Briscoe and his partner of the season
To break open my door
Somebody finally arrested for crimes against humanity
Somebody finally getting a good night’s sleep.

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God Had One Too Many

By Lawrence Miles

Look out, people
God is here and He’s already had a few
Getting all obnoxious and bragging about
Duck billed platypuses and the great flood and the Tower of Babel
And talking smack about Moses and Elijah
And saying that Jesus was so lucky to have a dad like Him

Look out, people
God is here and He wants to have a few more
I wanna go up and ask Him
How it got to be that He needed alcohol to have a good time
To make Him feel worthwhile and bring the ego back up
He only invented the universe, for His sake

Look out, people
God is here and He can drink you right to Hades’ front door
He’s pissed at Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash and Sinead O’Connor and everyone else
In the world of entertainment who made a dime off His name
Especially that dumb ass fake ass sensitive grunge band that sang
“Tell me all your thoughts on God
Because I’d sure would like to meet Her”
“DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING WOMAN TO YOU?!” He shouts to everybody

Look out, people
God is here and He’s draining every last tap
I wanna walk up to Him like an awestruck fan and ask
What happened with Buckner and with Norwood kicking it wide right
What are the real ways to score with the ladies
And what contacts does He have in the entertainment industry
And that’s when He would vomit on my head saying
“You just got blessed you heathen jackass loser!”

Look out, people
God is here and He’s a little rowdy tonight
He turned the bouncer into a pillar of salt
He filled every snack bowl with loaves and fishes
He turns the water into wine behind the bartender’s back
And He keeps screaming to all in earshot
“Of course the drinks are on Me
I’M FUCKING GOD AND GOD’S CREDIT IS ALWAYS GOOD!”

Look out, people
God is here and it’s last call
So God stands up and gets His balance back
He snaps His fingers and restocks the liquor cabinet
And He snaps them again and leaves a damn good tip
And He walks away singing “Adeste Fidelis” at the top of His lungs
And He waves His hand and gets a cab ride home

He’s God, of course He can get a cab whenever He wants.

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