By Dan Nielsen
for Sam Kinison
Climbing stairs is a way to lose weight,
But when I get back down—
I’ve gained it again!
The raccoon situation
Became intolerable when—
It let the air out of my tires!
She sent me a text message
With my name in parenthesis—
Knowing I’m claustrophobic!
Butter, which was originally intended
As a lubricant for anal sex—
Is sometimes used for food!
I said something terrible to her
And then I hit her on the head with a hammer—
Hoping to cause temporary amnesia!
Temporary amnesia can last for up to five years
At which point it is considered to be—
Regular amnesia!
I am in tune with my plants,
So when I eat potato chips—
I give them extra water!
I was trying to remember what I was doing
When it occurred to me that—
I don’t know what I’m doing!
Trying to describe an airplane to a bird
Is like trying to describe a submarine—
To a fish!
When I look at clouds all I can see
Are vaginas and penises—
Because I’m bi-sexual!
When salamander eggs begin to hatch
The first male is named—
Sal!
If cars were made of Styrofoam
The worst thing about a crash would be—
The annoying sound!
I was born at midnight on New Years’ Eve
And my dad was drunk and wearing—
A funny hat!
Everyone cheered, and through the window
I saw thousands of people—
And they were cheering, too!
I said,
“Mom—
What’s going on!?!”
Clutching at Straws 