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Archive for May 23rd, 2010

This Just In

By Laura LeHew

After years of suspected abuse
Braun—the coffee grinder
snapped
and in what appears a horrid attempt to ruin
his owner—in a sudden fit of rage
viciously attacked her—his blades
swirling swirling
the owner gave him one final shake
and then
pulled his plug—
clearly it was self defense
police stated yesterday while chugging
on their free quad shot eggnog lattes
local shopkeepers however indicated
they were not a bit surprised at this turn of events—
the owner had been seen pricing
newer, prettier grinders as late as last week
we caught the owner who heretofore
refused to be interviewed
rushing into a local Starbucks
in what appeared to be her pajamas
and she confessed
to this reporter
she was very sorry
things got out of control and contrary
to what’s been said she loved Braun very much
but was now ready to put the whole
dreadful
thing behind her
she expects to be acquitted later today.

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